Update: Being with the pain of wounded will devoured

A personal share

What’s really alive in me just now are my NO!s I’m screaming in my heart right now as the desperate frustration leaves deep parts of me. Despair of all the pain of being trapped here in this wrongness, this wrong creation, this wrongness in my world. In the world. This wrongness swells and rises like it’s the last word in all my creating and the heart breaks again and again, pouring out all this pain until I can breathe again and there is a lull, a moment’s peace before the next wave surges through.
And I feel so lucky, so blessed that I can sometimes touch, sometimes rest in, sometimes just call forth the compassion that enfolds me while I go through this finding of all my Nos.
And I am so grateful that they didn’t get here first.
They are rising up to be released because all my yeses are what got me out of bed at dawn this week. I awoke each day with inspiration – with clarity, insight, downloaded maps and information – for all my hopes for my creating, for what I’m here to do – really do in the world.
And they really got my YESes. I danced with each of those yesses – those vibrant plans; dreams made practical, graspable, actionable.
And up come all my resistances, all my fears, the deep dark roots of all the reasons why my Shadow has held onto these dreams and these plans, along with the self-belief and the knowledge I can put them into action.
I asked Shadow for these gifts back and they are being given.
And part of this arrangement is Shadow introduces me now to all the reasons why I gave those gifts away for safe keeping. Until such time as I was ready to own then again – to own my self-belief. To own the knowing I can create from the truth of who I am in this world.
And I am facing this pain not as a place in my consciousness I travel inwardly to, but as a place in my consciousness I have manifested in this here physical world. And this pain feels like hell. A hell of my creating, but not one I need any longer.
And there seems to be a need to walk over metaphorical hot coals. To live through the ideas I have about why I can’t express who I am in my work and walk my body through the shadow memory of the original pain. The original reasons for becoming small, hiding away, stifling my voice and refusing to be who I truly am in the world.
So I hope what’s on the other side is worth it. Only that depends on me. On whether I can keep walking with this and come down on the side of right choosing – to keep empowering the gifts I got from Shadow; to keep making that choice that I am here to be in the world as who I truly am – and that it can work! And I won’t die/starve/be cast out of humanity. Etc.
But now I’m facing my fears as physical manifestations I just feel trepidatious about what I’ll have to move through.
I need to keep making that choice and showing that, yes, Shadow, I am ready to receive my hidden gifts back.
I am ready to release the fears, doubts, pain and confusion to be devoured. I do this in the embrace of the dark compassionate Mother. I rest in Grace and I accept that the next step won’t be the fulfillment of my perfect dreams – it might…
But it will bring me whatever I need to move through, so that I can carry on becoming who I’m here to be.